Life Sucks and Then You Die...

No truer words were ever spoken. Period.

So clearly I'm having a fantastic week. Which I have conveniently decided to blog about instead of actually starting my homework. Actually I don't really feel like blogging I just really don't want to go do my calc homework...

But anyways. I've decided that I run solely on fear, stress, and sleep deprivation. Needless to say this was not my most uplifting realization ever...But it's actually pretty true. I mean, I work so hard in school because I'm afraid of failure and not getting into a good college. I don't trust anybody (with a couple rare exceptions when I'm really desperate) because I'm afraid of getting hurt. I don't get enough sleep because when I do it takes me forever to fall asleep. And I keep myself stressed beyond belief so I don't actually have to think and I have an excuse not to function. That is my sad existence. Great...

On an equally depressing note, I have been having a lot of nightmares. Some of them involve people dying, some of them involve playing the piccolo in band, some of them involve getting kidnapped/murdered, some of them I can't remember at the moment. But isn't that just great? I mean the icing on the cake of an already splendid existence. Yeah. Right. Good times.

Ok I really do have to go do homework now. Bummer. Sigh. This year had better get better. On the bright side I have over 100 percent in APUSH with 110% on the last test. I suppose it's the little succeses that count. (That is complete garbage btw, spewed by those annoying people called optimists. *shudder*)

Procrastinating...Yeah...

So school starts tomorrow. Bleh. And I'm only halfway done with my APAL summer reading, but instead of continuing to work on that, I'm going to blog. No real reason why, I still don't think anyone reads this. I just feel like blogging.

Our summer reading assignment is America and Americans and Selected Nonfiction by John Steinbeck. I actually don't really mind reading it, but I'm not a fan of writing about it. And I have the kind of memory that requires doing the writing immediately upon doing the reading, so I end up dreading the reading in addition to the writing. Unfortunately, that makes the entire project slow going. I'm sure I'll finish in time though...right? I'd better. I have to keep straight As and A-s this year in order to travel with the robotics team, so there really is no choice. No freaking pressure...

On that note I've been looking into becoming an emancipated minor. However there isn't a specific law that sets up a process for becoming one in Minnesota, which I find very unfortunate. I'm sure even if there was one, I wouldn't qualify. But still, I think there should be a law. Plenty of other states have one...But I suppose it doesn't really matter for me anyways so I shouldn't really care that much.

Speaking of robotics (end of second paragraph for those of you who are merely skimming this and didn't notice), our team has been at the Minnesota State Fair twice, and we'll be going again tomorrow which is very exciting! I went both times with the team and once with my family and may skip the family trip in the future. It's amazing to me how I can have a wonderful time with my friends wandering the fair not really doing much, and yet the minute my family is involved the whole thing becomes a horrible fiasco. Oh well...But the fair is amazing, and I can't wait to go back tomorrow!

I went to the Paper Route, Phantom Planet, Jack's Mannequin, Paramore concert at the fair last Tuesday and it was absolutely amazing!! Although it did get cold once the sun set, it was still really really good. I've been wishing ever since that I could go back and relive Tuesday from 7:30 am to 11 pm over and over again. But alas I am lacking a time machine, so that's really not possible. I will however keep hoping. If you do not know Paramore or Jack's Mannequin (my favorites from the concert and the real reason I went) you should immediately look them up. I conveniently have some of their music videos in my YouTube bar at the top of my blog. Go look. Now. I'll leave you to that and get back to my summer reading... :-/

Goals...Good or Bad?

Ok so I'm pretty sure nobody reads my blog, but I've decided to write a post anyways because, quite frankly, I'd like to get it out there whether anyone's going to read it or not. Every time I try to tell someone about this they have to leave or it's a bad time or something, so I'll just put it out to the 0 people currently reading this, and hopefully I'll feel better. Here goes...

Does anybody feel like their whole life is aimed at goals? Like, I'm in high school, and I'm working my butt off to take hard classes and get good grades and high scores on tests and have good extra-curriculars to get into a good college. And then once in college I will work my butt off to get good grades to graduate and get into graduate school. Where I will work my butt off to get good grades and get my degree so that I can get a good job. At which point I will work my butt off so that I earn enough money to support myself and my family and so that I can retire. Once retired I will be old and worrying about investments and social security and assisted-living and grandchildren and dying and all that crap.

But what I want to know is--and bear with me here because it is extremely cliché--when do I actually get to live? I'm tired of working so hard for the future and not being able to fully enjoy the moment. I'm tired of constantly having to worry about what I'm not doing that I need to do and what's going to happen tomorrow. I would love so very much to be able to just relax for a little while and have an honest to goodness good time. I can't remember the last time I really had fun, no strings attached. It seems like even when I am having a good time, there's always something I'm worrying about in the back of my mind that creeps up on me the minute I'm not completely absorbed in whatever I was doing. And I'm in high school. I so don't see this getting any better any time soon. If anything the opposite.

So how did our culture turn into something that makes true relaxation and stress-free fun such a hard commodity? I honestly don't know, but it's a serious problem. I know that human knowledge is all valuable and everything, but at what point does our drive for knowledge and power and good jobs become detrimental to our happiness? I know I passed that point awhile ago. You really can't buy happiness, nor can you barter for it, or win it with an incredible amount of knowledge. So why are we all trying so hard? Why am I trying so hard?

This probably all sounds like complete lunacy to everyone--all of 0 people--who is reading this, but it's been bothering me for a few days. And maybe I really am nuts; it's entirely possible, what with the stress and all. Actually it would probably be better if I was nuts since then none of this would be true which would probably be a good thing. But I sorta don't think I am. I don't know. But at least now I've said it, and I will hopefully forget about it shortly. Thank you to the 0 people who read this. It's nice to know I'm influencing so many people. :P

In Silence

So much I want to say,
And yet the words just drift away.
You mustn't know my fears,
I'd hate to cause any more tears.
And so we'll sit,
Alone, we sit in silence.

A city waits,
It hesitates.
Not believing,
Afraid of the deceiving.
And so we'll sit,
Ignorant, we sit in silence.

A nation scared,
So unprepared.
Leaders misleading,
With no one redeeming.
And so we'll sit,
Anxious, we sit in silence.

A world full of hate,
With people constantly taking the bait.
No one stands,
Out of all the lands.
And so we'll sit,
Blind, we sit in silence.

As people lie,
While others die,
As the Earth is destroyed,
With nothing but human greed employed,
And so we'll sit,
Selfish, we sit in silence.

And soon there will be nothing left,
No one to blame but ourselves for this theft.
And yet we'll sit,
Afraid, we sit in silence.

Wish

My wishes may not come true,

I may never again be close to you.

How can one day change so much?

And now I shrink from your touch.

I know it wasn't your fault,

But blame has become my default.

It's not abandonment I feel,

But the loneliness was no less real.

There are moments we'd like to take back,

The times when we both attack.

I wish we could work this out,

But I have begun to doubt.

The scars we've made run too deep,

And I'm not ready to make that leap.

I wish I was ready to forgive,

But how can I when all I do is relive?

Those moments of pain never end,

Those times when I needed a friend.

Regardless of why you weren't there,

And despite the fact that I know you care,

You weren't there.

When I needed you most,

It was as if you were a ghost.

I cannot let go,

I hope you never know.

Nothing you do can change,

Nothing you say can rearrange,

I'm long past that place,

Where pain can just be erased.

I wish we knew how to move on,

But all we've ever done is been strong.

That's no way to live a life,

And all it's led to is endless strife.

I wish I could let you back in,

But I don't even know where to begin.

I wish all my wishes could come true,

But that would require trusting you,

Something I can't bring myself to do.

Alone Together

She sits and waits,
He hesitates.
Understanding comes too late,
Their futures have been left to fate.
What was once will never be,
And someday soon they will see.
What happened can't be taken back,
In the end it was bound to crack.
On the surface,
It may seem there was no purpose.
But healing comes in time,
And their feelings weren't a crime.

Their time spent together,

Wasn't meant to be forever.
Yet neither one would be the same,
This time it wasn't just a game.
The past will never be erased,
The future will one day be faced.
But the truth that remains,
Is that together they escaped their chains.
Through each other,
They learned to love another.
And something they had always known,
They could not have done it all alone.

Important Quote #3

"After that, all Matt had to do was cough and Celia or Maria would fall into a satifsying panic. Sometimes Matt really did have trouble breathing, but sometimes he only wanted to reassure himself that someone cared for him" (Farmer 68).

This quote shows how much Matt wants to be loved and cared for. It also shows how lonely he really is that he has to pretend to be sick and unable to breathe in order to get attention and feel cared about. This goes along with how mistreated he often is because of being a clone and how he lost his ability to trust when he was treated like an animal by Rosa.